Élan Vital
by textbooknarcissism
Summary: Consider: Pepper didn't make it out of the building when the arc reactor started to blow. Set during Iron Man Movie.
1. Chapter 1

Tony dangles from the roof of the building containing the arc reactor, as he yells at Pepper to push the button that would overload the reactor and blast the roof. He knows the risks: he knows he might not make it, he knows Obadiah might crush him to a pulp before Pepper got to the button, he knows it would work. He struggles to keep hold of the roof as he calls for Pepper.

"Pepper, time to hit the button!" Tony screams down at her, as Obadiah takes shots at him that blast the surrounding glass.

"But you told me not to," Pepper calls back. The Iron Monger aims at Tony.

"Just do it!"

"You'll die!"

"PUSH IT!"

Pepper pushes the master bypass button and turns for the exit; trying to run as fast as her high heels would take her. While Pepper ran, Tony pulls himself up from where he hung and hopefully clear of the explosion. The problem of no helmet was still a minor worry though.

The explosion causes The Iron Monger to get massively electrocuted; Tony could hear Obadiah's pained screams as he watches the power from the arc reactor shoot into the sky. The screaming and cracking of electricity stopped, and Pepper was all Tony could think of as the last bits of glass shattered, and The Iron Monger fell forward into what was the arc reactor. Obadiah's impact on the reactor caused it to blow, and Tony only glances from where he hid as the heat touched his face; shielding it with his arm.

It only took a moment for the blast to destroy almost everything in the vicinity, and not touch Tony. Where he lay on the roof, Tony rolls onto his back; abandoned and too badly hurt to move inside the suit without the assistance of the inside system. The reactor on his chest flickers on and off, on and off, almost like Morse code. He thinks of Pepper as he drifts into darkness, only hoping she would be what he saw when he awoke.

**...**

Pepper isn't the first thing Tony sees when he is awoken. It's Agent Coulson's face leaning over him. Tony frowns at him and wonders for a moment what's going on, soon remembering Pepper. He tries to sit up, only to have Coulson push him back down. He's on a stretcher. About to be lifted up by a crane; for the obvious reason that it was impossible to carry him inside the suit. Tony grabs Coulson's arm just as he's about to walk away.

"Where's Pepper? Have you seen her?" He asks, showing the obvious worry in his eyes.

Coulson just shakes his head and walks away as Tony's arm drops from his in disappointment. He notices other agents walking around, and asks if any had seen Pepper, his assistant. Tall, red hair, blue eyes, freckles, legs that go on forever.. No matter how much Tony could describe her, the agents would still shake their head _no_, they had not seen anyone close to that description.

Tony lays calmly on the stretcher, thinking to himself: _Pepper is fine, she made it out and is waiting for me_. The crane attached to his stretcher begins to lift him off of the roof, and lowers him down. He looks to the left and right, and all he sees are agents for some reason, who he would only assume were the SHIELD clean-up team. He frowns for a moment, and almost becomes immersed in thought about why the Police and Fire Department weren't there as well, but then he sees her.

Pepper. Leaning against a concrete block with a slab of I-beam steel where her torso should have been. As the crane continues to slowly lower Tony to the ground, all he could do was look at her. For being as far from her as he was, he could tell that her eyes were open. Her strikingly beautiful blue eyes, filled with a last feeling of pain and fear. And it was Tony's fault.

The crane reaches the ground and as soon as it does, Tony gets up from it and sprints to Pepper, even though he hears the SHIELD agents calling at him to _stop it_, _get back here_, but he can't. He collapses on his knees in front of her and begins to cry for the first time in almost twenty years. He doesn't care if anyone sees him like this, he doesn't care if they hear how obnoxious he sounds when he cries, he doesn't care about anything anymore. Tony looks at her face and can almost feel her fear that he can see, and begins to sob harder into his hands.

He cries there for what feels like hours, even though it was merely seconds before he hears Agent Coulson's voice say softly "Tony, it's time to go." Tony barely nods his head, and looks up at Pepper one last time through blurry, tear filled eyes.

"I'm so sorry," He whispers, as more tears come streaming down his face.

He stands up and turns to face Coulson, still not caring if anyone witnessed his crying. As Tony begins to walk away with Coulson following, he turns to take one final look at what he had destroyed.

**...**

It's Press Conference day. A word hasn't been spoken to Tony since he was rescued, and he hasn't spoken a word to anyone else either; it seems as though everyone tries to get their point across without using words.

Tony stands in front of a mirror backstage and straightens his tie. Which Pepper would normally be doing. He feels the tears begin to well up in his eyes again, but he wipes his eyes and turns away from the mirror quickly. Agent Coulson walks up to him and hands him a stack of press cards.

"Just stick to the cards and this will all be over soon," he says firmly as Tony accepts the cards and nods. Coulson looks at Tony with sympathy in his eyes for a moment, before walking away. Tony flips through a few of the cards, then Rhodey comes in from a side door to let him know that the reporters are ready. Tony stands up straight and walks towards the stage.

He sticks to the cards. He keeps his identity firmly hidden. If even the thought of him being a Superhero is mentioned, he shuts it down. How can anyone else believe him to be a Superhero, when even he doesn't himself? He couldn't save the only woman he ever loved. He couldn't even tell her he loved her.

You can imagine how it haunts Tony for the rest of his life; every day in the back of his mind knowing that he, his ridiculous suit and tactics, were the cause of death of the love of his life. He doesn't smile anymore, and only a small number of people know the true reason why. The rest speculate on the strange disappearance of Tony Stark's Personal Assistant Virginia "Pepper" Potts. It hurts him just to hear her name. Every mission he goes on reminds him of her.

He never says a single word, ever, about being a Superhero.

**...**

**A/N: It may seem silly to cry over this to some people.. But I bawled like a baby while writing it. If you reviewed and told me if you liked it or not.. That would be awesome.**


	2. Chapter 2

It's the one year anniversary of Pepper's death. But no one knows that. The press doesn't know, there's nothing in the papers or any form of media; no one watches Tony Stark as closely as would have been. Because no one knows he's Iron Man. Tony barely knows it himself. The amount of missions he goes on had been cut down, due to SHIELD's determination to keep his identity hidden. Tony only uses the suit for the occasional joy ride or time to be alone.

All Tony does now is go to work and go home. If he even goes to work. Some days he doesn't even make it out of bed. Rhodey worries he's suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or some other psychological term for 'fucked up in the head,' but apparently Tony is fine.

...

Tony lays awake in bed, eyes wide open. Just thinking. Tony does that a lot lately. Jarvis knows he's awake, and after a few moments he speaks.

"Sir, today is t-" But Tony snaps back at him.

"I know what today is, Jarvis."

Jarvis doesn't reply.

"I've been waiting for and dreading this day, of course I know," Tony muttered to himself, rolling over in bed, even though he knew Jarvis heard what he said.

Tony contemplated staying in bed all day, even for the rest of his life, and just starving himself to death. He'd been thinking about that often lately, death. It seemed like a pretty good idea in one part of his brain, while the other part knew that Pepper wouldn't want that. He decides to stay in bed and go back to sleep, before the better half of him chose to get up and do something with his life. He would just cry if he got up anyway.

...

The phone rang at Rhodey's house, and he hopped off a kitchen stool, hurdled over his couch, and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Mister Rhodes? This is Jarvis." Rhodey sat down on his couch and answered with confusion in his voice. Jarvis had never called him before.

"What's up?"

"I think you should be here today, sir."

That was when Rhodey remembered what day it was. He put his face in his free hand and rubbed his temple. He couldn't possible imagine how Tony must be feeling today. Rhodey himself was pretty bent up about it, but he was always better at putting the past behind him. Plus, it wasn't the only woman he'd ever loved who died. That was Tony's department.

"Sure, Jarvis, I'll be right over."

"He's been suicidal for the last few weeks, sir."

Rhodey froze. Tony's always been the happy one; always looking at the positive side of life, a glass half full kinda man. He was the one there for Rhodey when he sister died in a fire while they were in high school. Tony Stark was the last person anyone would expect to be suicidal, he loved life too much.

"How bad is it...?"

"He has recently been diagnosed to be in a minor suicidal state, and unless his condition improves I would assume time is of the essence, sir."

"I'm on my way," Rhodey said as he hung up the phone, grabbed his keys, and headed out the door.

...

The doorbell rang and Tony opened his eyes. Looking at the clock, it was 9:17p.m.

"Who is it Jarvis?" Tony said groggily, rubbing his eyes.

"Mister Rhodes, sir."

Tony sighed and buried his face in a pillow.

"Tell him to go away, that I'm sleeping.

"Too late sir, he is already inside."

Tony lifted his head from the pillow to see his best friend standing in the doorway of his bedroom, with a sullen look on his face.

"Come on, get up. We need to talk," he said quietly as Tony groaned and pulled back the covers, the arc reactor giving brightness to the dim room.

"Why even ring the doorbell if you're going to barge in anyway," Tony muttered as he picked a shirt up off the floor and pulled it over his head.

Rhodey gave him a small smile as he turned and walked in the direction of Tony's living room, Tony involuntarily following behind.

...

Rhodey sat down in front of Tony's television and clicked it on, only to hear a news reporter talking about how "Virginia Potts, billionaire industrialist Tony Stark's assistant, disappeared around this time last year. There has been no official statement fr-" Rhodey quickly shut it off and turned to find Tony standing just behind him, with tears streaming down his face.

"It wasn't your fault," Rhodey said in a hard tone, as Tony sat down across from him.

"Oh yeah? How was it not my fault? I created a monster, or two or three monsters. Obadiah, myself, and the suit. If it weren't for me, the suit wouldn't exist. And if it weren't for the suit, Obadiah wouldn't have done it. It's my fault she's not here with me."

Rhodey had nothing to say as Tony made a noise that sounded like a sob.

"Pepper wouldn't want this. She would kick your ass and tell you to put a suit on and run your company like you're supposed to be doing. Instead, some asshole that nobody knows or likes is doing it for you. She'd tell you to get over it. She'd tell you it was all going to be okay. Because it is. If you really loved her, you'd do what you know she would want."

Tony's tear stained face looked up at Rhodey at his last sentence. He didn't know anyone knew how he felt about Pepper. Rhodey stood up and gave Tony one last look of sympathy but honesty at the same time, then walked out the front door; leaving Tony to ponder his thoughts.

If anyone hated being wrong, it was Tony Stark. Pepper wouldn't have wanted him to waste his life over her, even though that was all he wanted to do. Nobody could understand the pain he felt, but Pepper would have helped him get back on his high horse again. And that was exactly what she was going to do.

Tony stood up and wiped his eyes, walking towards his bedroom. He glanced at the slept in bed, and part of him was tempted to clamber back in, but he walked right past. He opened the massive closet, and pulled out a suit. There was always some kind of work to be done. He was going to do what Pepper would have made him do. He set the chosen suit down on the bed, and then opened the curtains on the window; revealing the beauty of night-time in Malibu. The light of the moon glistened on the water as Tony looked up at the sky.

"I love you Pepper, and I'm going to try to be okay for you."

...

**A/N: My friend wanted me to write a drabble type thing about how Tony was dealing with her death one year later, so here it is. I still really love the first chapter though, hah. **


End file.
